


Thoughtless Tumbles

by alicat54c



Series: Spider Boxes [3]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Venom (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Family Angst, Family Feels, Family Fluff, M/M, Memory Alteration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 13:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicat54c/pseuds/alicat54c
Summary: Flash ran a hand over Peter’s shoulders, a soothing purr emanating from the symbiont black wrapped around his limbs. “Was it last night?”“No! No. Last night was great.” He side eyed a lash lidded glance at the soldier. “More that great. Though, I admit the tentacles were unexpected.”The blonde scratched the back of his head, chuckling. “Ahha, uh, bad unexpected?”Peter couldn’t help the smile touching the corners of his lips. He pressed a kiss to the other’s mouth. “No. We should do this again sometime.”Flash leaned in. “Is now good?”“Now is great.”…Elsewhere,  a teenage boy sat in the middle of an empty apartment, holding a phone to his ear with one arm, while the other clutched a fussing toddler to his chest. His hands shook as the dial tone rang, and rang, and rang…...This full of all my notes clips and outlines from the series, which I've  been holding onto for three years.





	1. Chapter 1

…

No one ever said why being a super hero sucked.

It’s not the tragic back stories or world altering crisis’s, it was the emptiness.

For example, Peter Parker, nearly thirty, sleep deprived since donning a web based costume when he was sixteen, cringed ever time he woke up in his hole in the wall apartment, echoes of his own snores the only muffled sound.

Don’t get him wrong, Peter loved- He LOVED being Spiderman. 

Just, sometimes, having to keep his friends at arms length and never allowing himself a serious relationship for fear that his partner would get hurt could be trying. Like Gwen, Mary Jane, and- 

The hero rubbed his forehead tiredly, brows knit. He had had a tough week at the lab. One of the spectrometers broke, and Peter was stuck doing diagnostic tests to determine whether the problem was fixable or if the whole thing needed replacing. This was on top of the slew of angry researchers flooding his inbox and break time with queries as to when it would be fixes, because they had an experiment that needed doing right now.

He sighed, sticking his hands into the pockets of his tan leather jacket. He rubbed his cheek along the fur collar lining, a smile ghosting across his face unbidden. It was almost too warm a day to wear it, but the hero had been feeling down this morning and this jacket just smelt so good, and it reminded him of-

Peter jingled the change in his pocket, determining that he had just enough for a cup of coffee. Maybe caffeine would help un-fog his thoughts.

Ducking into the first caffeine selling establishment he saw, the hero waited in line behind the register, bouncing idly on his toes. 

The fridge was getting rather empty, he should go shopping. Let’s see: milk, cereal, tacos, formula-

His brows furrowed. Wait, why would he need-

“How can I help you today sir?” the girl behind the register chirped.

Shaking off his thoughts, Peter smiled thinly. “I’ll just have a small coffee.”

“That’ll be four fifty,” the girl said. 

Peter pulled out the contents of his pockets, and counted out five crumpled bills. He stuffed the rest, along with a card for Samantha’s Tacos back into his jacket, and stood aside to wait for his drink.

The cafe was mostly empty, so it didn’t take long for his order to be called. Peter took the paper cup with a grateful smile. However, his quest to find a table was immediately thwarted, as when he turned around a broad chest blocked his way.

The cup jostled, splashing liberally over the hero’s hand and outfit.

“Oh, geeze, I’m so sorry!” The man said. “I’ll buy you another cup! Here!” He pulled a handful of napkins out of the nearby dispenser and shoved them at the hero to mop up his shirt.

Peter blinked. “Flash?”

“Sorry, do I-?” The blonde looked up into his face, and blinked. “Parker? I mean, Peter! Gosh, it’s been ages!”

“Yeah, last time I saw you was when you were doing that, uh-“ Peter wiggled his hands.

“My self-acceptance therapy, yeah. How have you been? What have you been doing?” He still hadn’t let go of his hand full of napkins, which was still pressed against the stain on Peter’s shirt. Flash fumbled. “Here, why don’t I get you a new cup, and we can sit down and catch up?”

The blonde looked hopefully down at Peter, expression open, inviting, and interested. A polite refusal was just on the tip of the hero’s tongue, but he paused. There wasn’t a reason for him to not have coffee with a handsome single man. Peter was a handsome single man. It was what handsome single people did. So why did he feel like-

Peter wiped the last drops from his leather coat, before allowing a smile to spin its way across his face. He looked up at his old nemesis through his lashes. “Sure, I’ld like that.”

Flash beamed. 

In short order the pair was sitting around a tiny cafe table in the corner, two new cups of coffee in front of them both.

“So, Flash.” Peter savored the word as he sipped his drink. “What have you been up to?”

Flash smiled embarrassedly. “Well, after the army I, uh, kinda became a space cop?”

“What, really?” Peter laughed.

“Yeah!” He stuck out his black clad leg. “It’s all on public record now. I got accepted into one of their experimental programs after I was injured.” The black, which Peter had thought to be fabric up until that point, shifted like liquid, before again becoming still. “So, now I’m like a real super hero!”

Peter recoiled. “Is that-?

“Venom? Yeah. After Spiderman beat it, the government found it, and has been studying it. It’s not really sentient anymore.”

“Creepy.”

“It’s not all bad. Means I can walk.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I stepped on a land mine a while back, and-“

The conversation continued in a similar vein, with the soldier recounting the publicly available campaigns he had been on and the less public events he had been getting up to in his own free time.

“So,” Peter said at last. “Why are you back in New York?”

“Vacation.”

The hero leaned his cheek against his palm. “And how are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“Great!”

There was a beat, as Peter waited for some kind of punch line, which never came. He gave a tiny internal shrug at the lack of an equal to match him in puns, but at least the guy was cute.

“Hey.” Flash rubbed the back of his head, cheeks flushed. “Do you wanna get outta here?”

“Let’s go to your place,” Peter said, cuddling up to the other’s side. His apartment was closer, but… something in the back of his mind reviled the idea of sleeping with another man in their bed. His brows furrowed, unnoticed by his companion. Who’s bed? Peter lived alone.

“I got a pretty nice hotel while I’m on leave,” Flash was saying. “We could take a cab, or…” His grin turned cheeky, and black edged its way over his face. “I could swing us there?”

Peter wound his arms around the other’s neck. “Why, Mr. Thompson, I think you’re trying to seduce me!”

“Ahhahaha! Is that from something?”

The hero smiled kindly, with less vigor that before. “It’s just from a movie. It doesn’t matter. Now, about your offer?”  
…

He was standing in the middle of Central Park at noon. The sun played off the green summer leaves, casting twining shadows over his hair and shoulders. He couldn’t feel the usual light press of spandex against his face, yet he knew he still wore his costumed persona’s mask.

Above, something fierce and beautiful undulated through the tree branches. It spilled down around his neck, surrounding him with warmth. Peter ran his hands across the thing’s body, and under his fingers the smooth skin turned gnarled and wild.

It rumbled, more a growl than a purr. Unafraid, Peter wrapped his arms around he beast’s neck, face pressed into the patchy fur and feathers. It slithered from his back to curl beside him, head twisting to scan the park, but always, always, returning to fix on Peter.

To his other side, a snake twisted rock hissed. Curious, he knelt down beside it. He lifted the rock, exposing a nest of spiders, which scurried over the ground like a wave. His arms and fingers caught along the scalpel sharp stone, and he flinched back. 

The great red beast twined its neck over his shoulder, forked tongue sliding between serrated teeth to lick at his wounds. 

Curling into the creature’s side, Peter watched as the uncovered spiders wove webs through the tree branches in play.

“How quaint.”

Peter flinched, straightening up to find the voice. The beast growled so deeply, he could feel it rumble through to his spine.

A dark haired man dressed in green appeared between the trees, eyes fixed on the couple. “My, my, my. Boy, would you venture so close to that creature if you knew what it was?”

Spidery fingers clutched at scared skin, holding the gnashing teeth back. “Who are you?” He asked.

“No one of consequence.” The green man slunk closer.

The creature immediately left Peter’s side to leap at him, teeth and claws bared under a patchwork of gnarled red fur and plumage.

The man simply waved his hand, and the beast fell, immobile, to the earth. He turned to Peter. The smirking twist of his lips was not kind. “Well then, let’s see if you would still love your monster if you never knew him before he was a monster.”  
…

“Peter?” 

The hero’s eyes snapped open with a gasp.

Flash’s face hovered close above him. “You were having a nightmare.”

The hero sat up, causing he hotel sheet to pool across his waist. The heavy comforter had been thrown on the floor sometime the night before during the more athletic activities of the bed’s occupants. He could hear his phone ringing dully in the bathroom where his pants were crumpled, but he didn’t bother to go get it. It was probably just work.

Flash ran a hand over Peter’s shoulders, a soothing purr emanating from the symbiont black wrapped around his limbs. “Was it last night?”

“No! No. Last night was great.” He side eyed a lash lidded glance at the soldier. “More that great. Though, I admit the tentacles were unexpected.”

The blonde scratched the back of his head, chuckling. “Ahha, uh, bad unexpected?”

Peter couldn’t help the smile touching the corners of his lips. He pressed a kiss to the other’s mouth. “No. We should do this again sometime.”

Flash leaned in. “Is now good?”

“Now is great.”  
…

Elsewhere, a teenage boy sat in the middle of an empty apartment, holding a phone to his ear with one arm, while the other clutched a fussing toddler to his chest. His hands shook as the dial tone rang, and rang, and rang…  
…


	2. Outline/scene snips of Part 3

…

“~Brother wanna thank your mother for a butt like that~” White masked eyes sited down the sniper scope as black gloved hands caressed the trigger. The target shifted on its feet. A quick squeeze and-

{And boom goes the bullet!}

[Another one bites the dust.]

“Hey, no changing theme song mid action scene. That’s bad form.” Deadpool said, waiting for another moment to see if his target moved, before beginning to pack up his gun.

{Yes, and we get to finally go home!}

“What, did I forget to feed Al or something?”

[No beauty spot, we gotta get back to ***$%@^#.]

“God bless you.” 

[Oh no, is this the plot device we’re going with?]

{Looks like. That sucks, we were in a good place with %^!(#&)!}

“How are you doing that with your mouth?” Wade rubbed his ear, slinging his gun over his shoulder. It wasn’t his favorite gun; that had been left at home in the closet with- 

The merc shook his head, and headed off the building.

[You’re fo~rge~tti~ng~]

Deadpool rubbed his ear again. “Did I leave the stove on?”

{No, you’ve forgotten *&#%@^!*$^^%^!(#&)!*}

“I think someone needs to keep the cat from walking on the keyboard.”

[Remember that time we got into a rap battle with Boba Fett? It was pretty epic.]

{Why are you bringing that up? We have more important things to worry about like ^!*$^^ and the babies!}

[Well, maybe if we don’t think about it, we’ll remember! Like missing house keys!]

Deadpool pressed his skull between his palms. Had they always been this loud? He turned, mouth half open with a comment, but there was no one waiting over his shoulder. A fission of unstuck anger sparked in the back of his mind.

[He’s a real no where man, sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans, for no body~]

“Shut up,” he hissed at the box. It only began to sing louder, with the other one singing backup. Growling, the merc picked up his phone. “Weasel,” he barked into the receiver. “You better have a bloody dangerous job for me, because I need to slice and dice a bitch.”

“Nothing, sorry. There’ve been some government goons sniffing around, so I’ve decided to keep gold cards on the down low till they’re gone.”

“What are they doing here?”

“I dunno, some MacGuffin for the plot I think. Though I’ve heard on the vine it might be another alien attack. Something to do with the Avengers’ villians or something.”  
…

(Meanwhile, at the plot MacGuffin)

Agent Venom crossed his arms. “Loki has been sighted in the city. I’ve been sent in by the government to try to capture and contain, if possible, and to minimize destruction of public property and life. They’re getting antsy with the internal disputes still going on with the Avengers. I’ve also been asked to formally extend and invitation for you to join my tactical team. We could use good men like you to fight the good fight Spidey.”

Spiderman tilted his head. “You know, up until recently, I’ve been considered a criminal. Doesn’t sit well on a resume if I’m applying for government work.”

Agent Venom waved a hand. “Don’t worry about that.”  
…

(Back with Deadpool, after he discovers an intruder in his backup apartment. Which looks suspiciously un-live in, even for one of his hideouts, as if he had been staying somewhere else- [{Forg~ett~ing}])

“Oh, don’t mind that,” Deadpool said, kicking aside the stray bills. “I just got paid for a job, and wanted to try the raining money thing. Not as much fun as they make it look on TV, because you have to have it all in singles, then you have to pick it all up after.”

He refocused on the scarlet clad figure, gun hand steady. “Now, while I’m all for supporting kids in their chosen career paths, dare I ask why you thought it was a good idea to break into my apartment kid?”

“Mo- I mean, I, uh-“ The kid’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. He shook his head once with a snap, and uncurled, hands fisted at his sides. “Mom, it’s me! You need to come home! Please!”

Deadpool’s head tilted.

For a moment, the kid’s masked features widened with hope.

Then the merc laughed.

“Oh, that’s rich!” he laughed, a deep throated belly laugh. “Who put you up to this kid? Weasel? I’ll owe him a bullet for that!”

The kid made to take a step forwards. “Mom, please-“

A bullet fired just in front of his foot.

Deadpool’s voice was dark, seething with unmoored rage. “I don’t have any family, kid. Now get out of here before I don’t find this funny any more.”

The red and black costumed figure leapt back out of the window.  
…

(Later, Spiderman meets what he thinks is a groopie, who was unexpectedly helpful when Loki, spotted at a coffee shop, caused some collateral damage.)

“Do-“ The kid’s voice broke. “Do you know who I am?”

Gosh, Peter thought, he sounds so young. He cocked his head. “You’re the Scarlet Spider. Unless you changed your name, which is totally cool.”

The Scarlet Spider tilted his head, hands fisted in the loose fabric around the wrists of his costume. “Come into my parlor, said the cricket to the spider.”

“Isn’t that, like, a kid’s book or a poem or something?”  
…

(Aside: Code words the spider family uses, in case of unknown clone impersonation. Again.)

Come into my parlor said the cricket to the spider. (Kaine to peter)  
For tea tastes better with more than two, and we’ve also got some cider. (peter replies)

Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly. (peter to wade)  
For you, my dearest lovely, I would gladly die. (wade replies)

Come into my parlor said the fly to the cricket. (Wade to Kaine)  
For things are getting hairy in the thicket.

Come into my parlor said the cricket to the fly. (kaine to wade)  
For your mother misses you, so we should really fly. (wade replies)  
…

(Meanwhile, Kaine has a panic attack in a bad part of town, because his parents don’t recognize him. They are his parent’s right? His memories are real, right? He’s not a plant, is he? Like his eldest brother was- the one he never got to meet-)

Frank Castle lowered his gun. The kid couldn’t be older than sixteen, thought the way he huddled, so small, behind a dumpster made him look even younger.

“Where are your parents kid?”

His arms wrapped around his chest too tightly. “I- I-“

Frank wasn’t surprised when the boy broke down crying. “Shit.”

Scanning the rooftops for any other unfortunate being, the soldier crouched beside the weeping kid. His hands were balanced on his knees, and his shoulder just barely touched the spandex clad one of the other.

“I’m sorry.” The kid whimpered. “I- I don’t know what’s wrong with me- I just-“

“It’s all right.”  
…

(The Punisher, would like to know when he started adopting so many strays.)

“You know how to handle these?”

Kaine wiped his arm across his dribbling nose, and shot him an incredulous look. Quick as a flash he had the handgun off the table and disassembled. He paused a moment for effect, before snapping it all back together, ready to be loaded.

Frank rolled his eyes. “A yes would have worked too.”

A minute smile, the first Frank had seen, crept onto the kid’s face.

On the bed, surrounded by a wall of blankets and pillows, Kaine’s baby brother, freshly rescued from an empty apartment, gurgles out a laugh.  
…

(The Punisher would also like Daredevil to know that, just because their costumes are color coded, does not mean that he can have the Scarlet Spider.)

Daredevil’s head tilted inquisitively towards the kid. Frank squared his shoulders and glared, blocking the smaller red figure from view.  
…

(Kaine tries his hand at a parent trap.)

“No!” Scarlet Spider cried, arms flailing. “I need both of you to patrol with me! All three of us! Together!”

Deadpool raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think that’s a bit of overkill, kid?”

Spiderman nodded. “It would be much easier if we split up.”

“No!” Scarlet Spider yelled again.

The adults exchanged a glance, as the teenager flailed beside them. Spiderman cocked his head. Deadpool wobbled his shoulders in a shrug, and made a complicated wiggling motion with his fingers around his head. Spiderman snorted, and had to cover his mouth and nose, lest the laughter escape.

Deadpool looks as if he might join in, but winces, and grabs the side of his head.

“Bad brain day?” The words leaked out of Peter’s mouth before he could consciously reign them in.

Deadpool turned his face to him. “Yeah. The boxes keep yelling at me.”

Peter worried his sleeve, trying to quash his instinctual offer of help.

…  
(Although Scarlet Spider insists on webbing both Spiderman and Deadpool into doing patrol with him every night, the red three have yet to find anything beyond a local mugging. Spiderman comes across Captain America while in Brooklyn, who is doing his own reconnaissance for the Avengers)

“A very dangerous extra-terrestrial has been sighted in New York, and we wanted to ask whether you’ve seen anything.”

Spiderman shook his head, snapping a quick salute. “No Captain America, sir!”

As the national icon left, Peter couldn’t help appreciating his retreat. His fingers tapped against his side, and a chuckle burbled from the edges of his mind. “Everything we hoped and more…”

The captain looked over his shoulder. “What was that?”

“Nothing!!” Peter squeaked.  
…  
(Flash is trying his best at this whole relationship thing, and decides to come clean to Peter, in the hopes of holding onto their budding relationship.)

Flash grit his teeth apologetically. “Ok, so, I kinda lied when I said I was here on vacation. That guy who invaded New York, the alien invasion, he’s been seen. I’ve been assigned to subdue him, if possible, since the Avengers have been unable, or unwilling, to. They had a chance to keep him contained, and he escaped. So, for national security, we’re not giving them a second chance to fail.”  
…

(After being woken at an ungodly hour, after a late athletic night, by the blaring of Agent Venom’s communicator, a fully clothed Spiderman swings in just in time to help out the combined team of Avengers and Agents in battling Loki.)

Loki’s smile was knife sharp with amusement. “Ah, Man of Spiders. We meet again!”

“Sorry, I don’t think I know you outside of your bad reputation.” Spiderman said.

Loki’s smirk was all teeth. “Hm, well, of course you wouldn’t remember. that would defeat the whole purpose of my taking it from you, wouldn’t it.”

Spiderman paused, mid swing. “What? What did you take?”

Loki smirked. “You seem to misunderstand the mechanics of theft. As I understand it, returning what one stole defeats the purpose.” With a flick of his hand, more rubble rose from the street, to fling haphazardly at the heroes.

Peter braced himself, senses screaming that he would be hit, body unable to respond in his moment of hesitation.

Strong red clad arms wrapped around Spiderman’s body, blocking the hail of bullet fast stones. Peter’s heart froze in his chest, at the same time his stomach flipped like a net of overturned butterflies.

The thread of silk from his wrist snapped, sending him and his rescuer tumbling to the ground, three stories below.

Peter groaned, trying to lever himself up. His hands slid over tight leather.

“My, Mr. Spiderman, I think you’re trying to seduce me!” Deadpool swooned. Though that might have been more from blood loss than acting.  
…  
(Loki is captured and put into the Hulk tank. Deadpool chews Tony Stark a new one for…something about not properly protecting the best piece of ass this side of Jersey. Whatever, he gets Spiderman a nice new suit out of it.)

Deadpool pointed emphtically. “Now you listen here Robert-“

“It’s Tony.”

“Don’t you backtalk me Junior!”

…  
(Peter thinks Flash is great, really. He’s sweet and weirdly thoughtful, and the sex is literally out of this world. But-)

“Flash, it’s been great. More than great,” Peter amended. “But, I don’t think we’re what each other needs right now.”

Flash smiled sadly, and leaned down to kiss the corner of Peter’s mouth.  
…  
(Kaine makes a rather stupid decision, a bargain really. But when weighing the fate of the world over his family it was no contest. It wasn’t hard to hit the big red button that opened Loki’s cage. Now to see if he kept his end of the deal.)

Scarlet Spider thrust the disc into Peter’s hands. “Just watch it. Please?”

He took the DVD with trepidation. “Fine. But this better not be a porno.”

“Oh, I hope it is!” Deadpool said over his shoulder.

Peter rolled his eyes under his mask, a fond grin spreading unwillingly over his lips. He slid the disc into his laptop, and hit play.  
…  
(Peter has his priorities straight.)

“Oh my GOD, WADE! WHO’S BEEN WATCHING THE BABIES WHILE WE’VE BEEN TANGLED IN THIS NONSENSE!?”

“It’s ok!” Kaine piped. “Uncle Frank’s been taking care of us!” He tilts his head in the direction of the dark shadow, marked with a white skull on his chest, and an equally terrifying glower. In the shadow’s arms, baby Benny gurgles.  
…

“Bye Uncle Frank!” Kaine shouted, waving one arm wildly over his head, while the other held his baby brother. “Thanks for everything!”

…  
(And they all lived happily ever after.)

“Ok, no more procrastinating!” Peter got down on one knee, forcibly pulling Deadpool’s hand down with him. “Wade Winston Wilson, would you marry me? With a big wedding, frills and bows and bells all included?”

The merc squealed.

(But this is not the end.)  
…  
…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …  
> A/N:  
> Thus ends part 3. I think I had some stuff for part 4 written too, but that’s even less than this. Still I’ll post it, because it’s been over 3 years since I started this beast, and by god, I’m finishing it.


	3. Part 4: A Nest Expanded, Outline Scenes and Snippets

…

“While I’m all for spreading the love of science to children, I really think Oscorp should stop giving tours, because I swear something explodes every freaking time!” Peter growled, swinging into the scene of the crime.

“Maybe it’s a proximity alarm. Like, ‘innocent civillians detected, initiate self destruct’ “ , said Deadpool, clinging to his husband’s back.

“Do you think this means I won’t have work on Monday?” Peter yelled over the sounds of the Oscorp building exploding.

“I dunno, you might want to call in a sick day, just in case!” Deadpool shouted back.  
…

(While saving the class of field trip kids from the collapsing building, Spiderman meets someone very important.)

“That brat sure has a mouth on him.” Wade’s grin shone even through his mask. “We should adopt him!”

Spiderman sighed, setting the kid back on his feet. “Ignore him. Miles, wasn’t it?”

The little boy nodded, hands contritely tucked behind his back, eyes wide.

“Miles, sweetie, did you get hurt?”

The little boy nodded, holding his arm close to his chest.

“Can I see?”

He nodded again, a bit more slowly, but never the less held out his hand. An angry welt swelled on the back of the kid’s tiny wrist, two puncture wounds oozing sluggishly.

“Oh glob.” Peter tried not to give into his urge to curse.  
…

(After returning Miles to his very worried parents, Peter and Wade tuck their own spidery balls of trouble into bed, and relax on the couch after a hard day.)

“Of course the super spider that gave me super powers managed to survive over ten years in a vent or something.” Peter’s sigh encompassed the furthest edges of the world. “And of course it developed a taste for human blood.”

Wade’s arm was a comfort across his shoulders. “That’s life. Think we’ll be seeing any more spider people in the future?”

Peter pressed the balls of his hands into his eyes. “God I hope not.”

Unnoticed in the corner of the room, a vibrant blue and red spider began weaving its web.  
…

(The next morning, Peter is woken by a very disturbing phone call.)

“Mr. Murdoc?”

“Hey, Peter? Wade just came into my office asking about the difference between adoption and kidnaping. Is there something I should know about?”

Peter felt his eyebrow twitch. “Nothing that I know about. Yet. Thanks for calling. I’ll… fix whatever Wade’s done this time.”

Hanging up, Peter lurched out of bed and into a pair of sweatpants. Once dressed, he stomed into the living room, where Wade was chatting with a familiar boy.

“Wade!” He hissed. “You can’t just go abducting kids off the street!”

“Why not, the X-men do it!” He looked down at Miles. “Bee tee dubs, your adopted sister has the coolest hero name ever, even if she fulfills the teenage stereotype demographic.”

{He means Negasonic Teenage Warhead, bee tee dubs.}

Miles leaned around Deadpool to meet Peter’s gaze, seemingly desensitized to the red suit and swords. “It’s ok Mr. Spiderman, I told my mom I was babysitting. and Mr. Deadpool said he would pay me fifty bucks an hour.”

“He’s younger than Kaine!”

Deadpool clapped his hands. “Even better! The boys can play video games together while they babysit Benny together! The plan is foolproof!”

“Says the fool!”  
…

(Needless to say, Miles does become a regular babysitter at the Parker-Wilson household. Kaine thinks it’s neat to have another brother who (appears to be) closer to his age. Then, of course, a mysterious portal opens mid air, and a group of people clad in spider-themed outfits appear. Thus begins the Spider-verse comic arc, sorta, I’m taking liberties.)

“So, let me get this straight.” Peter massaged his temples. “You guys are bringing together all the different spider-people from the multiverse, because some crazy reality warping organization is trying to… eat us?”

The Spiderman with the glowing blue emblem nodded. “It’s cuz we’re the spider totem. Mystic mumbo jumbo, world balancing whatever.”

“So they’re after anyone with spider powers?”

The girl Spiderman, May, nodded. “I only just managed to get away with my brother.” She nodded to the baby in her arms.

Peter felt his heart break. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. “Ok. If we’re going to be teaming up, for the sake of simplicity, it might be easier if you all just called me Mr. Wilson.”

“Wilson?” Half the crowd piped up.

Peter Parker-Wilson crossed his arms over his chest, one brow raised. “Got a problem with that?”

“Yeah, got a problem?” Wade popped up over Peter’s shoulder, hands on his hips.

“Deadpool!”

Wade’s grin was evident even under the mask. “I see my reputation precedes me.”

“You can’t mean that you two are- that you’re-“

“Duh, of course we’re a couple.” Deadpool gestured between himself and HIS Spiderman. “Can’t you tell by the matching costumes?”  
…

(Kaine Parker-Wilson meets the more spidery, more angsty version of himself from another universe.)

Kaine rocked back on his heels, arms crossed behind his back. “So…you’re me?”  
…

(May Parker learns some parenting tips.)

“I just don’t know how to calm him down.” May lamented, hands close to throttling the fussing baby in her arms.

Peter’s gaze softened. “Give him here.”

Gently, he held the baby to his chest, and began humming. Soon, little Ben began calming down, until his cries petered off into sleepy whimpers.

“You’re pretty good with him.” May said, accepting the snoozing bundle with amazement.

“My Benny’s not much bigger than him.”

“You have kids?”  
…

(Kaine meets his younger (forcibly adopted) brother, and can’t contain his glee.)

“Miles! You’re all grown up!” Kaine crowded close the black clad Spiderman, measuring his height against his chest. “Still a squirt though.”  
…

(The spider-verse crisis is solved, everyone goes home happy. Then Peter gets another call from his lawyers, who are beginning to question whether they are paid enough to deal with all this shit.)

 

Foggy cleared his throat. “Since I’m still technically your lawyer, I’ve been contacted by the estate of one Carmelita Camacho about the reading of her will.”

“I don’t think I know anyone by that name.” Peter said slowly.

“Yes, the will concerns Wade Wilson, who is technically still dead, by the way. And since you were Wade’s spouse before his death (at least according to his medical files, which thank god no one has called you out on as faking), his estate and other legal matters can fall on you. Given the nature of this matter, I thought you would want to hear about it.”

“Ok, shoot.”

Foggy did, and what he said nearly made Peter drop the phone.  
…

(Peter approaches Wade about what the lawyers said.)

“Carmelita.” Wade breathed the name like a forgotten dream, mind a million miles and years away.

At last Peter said, “If we’re going to be getting a little girl, I think we’re gonna need a bigger apartment. Because I doubt she’ll want to share with Benny and Kaine.”

Once recovered from the emotions evoked by his partner’s statement, Wade kissed him soundly. “God I love you.”

“Ditto.”

{Ha, it’s catching on!}

[Stop it! You’re ruining the moment!]

…  
(Apartment hunting is done.)

“So, I’m thinking we should just buy our own apartment building, because at the rate we’re going, we’re going to have a dozen kids by next year.”

Peter laughed humorously. “Don’t even joke about that. We would have to move out of the city completely and open up a mansion like Professor Xavier.”

The merc settled by his partner’s side to look at the list of abodes scrolling down his laptop screen. “That might not be a bad idea.”

“What?”

He waved his hand. “Not the moving out of the city thing, but we could get a house in Queens. Didn’t you say you grew up there?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think a row house is gonna cut it…”

“Well, I did just get a nice paycheck for my last big job. We could make it a real home base and everything. I could totally steal some tech to make it vanish off the map.”  
…

(Ellie meets Miles.)

Miles hid behind Peter’s back, fingers clutching the back of his hoodie strong enough to tear the fabric. “She’s got cooties!” the little boy whined. “She keeps trying to kiss me!”  
…

(Deadpool plans a wedding with his baby girl.)

Wade hummed over a pamphlet of boquet styles. “Ellie-bellie, what do you think of this for when your Papi and I get hitched?

The little girl’s forehead scrunched with concentration as she glared at the picture, before jabbing at one with a chubby finger. “I want that one!”

Wade chuckled. “But then which one will I get, since you’re picking the best one?”

“You can have it too! Then when I grow up, I get it, and I’m gonna marry Spiderman!” She said with deadly cheer.

“Eleanor, sweetie, you can’t marry your Papi or brothers.”

She gave him a pitying look. “Course not silly! I’m gonna marry Miles, because when Miles grows up he’s gonna be Spiderman, and I’ll have my super powers by then too, and we’ll be the best married people ever, just like you and Daddy!”  
…

(Peter plans a wedding with his eldest son.)

“Sweetie, do you want a dress like Ellie’s?”

Kaine nodded shyly. 

Peter smiled. “We can ask your Mommy when he gets home. He’s sending out for his wedding dress, but I’m sure we could get you fitted by the same tailor too.”  
…  
(However, as is par for the course of a super-hero wedding, something goes horribly wrong. The groom, white flowing dress and all, is thrown into a hell dimension, shouting out the last of his vows as he goes.

Peter’s not too worried, Wade texted him he was all right and heading home asap, though he is pissed he’ll have to re-reserve the reception hall.

Then, of course, Wade meets…)

 

Wade held up a hand as the phone rang. “Babe? I’m calling in my number five, but I wanted to check up with you just in case.”

On the other line, Spiderman’s sleepy voice yawned. “I always thought that ‘Hot Queen of the Undead (who can turn into lizard monster)’ was a joke. But ‘One Eyed Time Traveling Cyborg (not the Governator)’ turned out to be real, so I guess I should stop being surprised. ”

“Says the man who put Scarlet Johansen as his second.”

“Come on, Scarlet is on everyone’s list, like how Thor (dude or lady) is on our poly list.” The hero yawned again. “Is she hot?”

Deadpool snapped a picture, and sent it as a text.

“…Wow. Oh yeah, freebie justified. Just make sure she still respects you in the morning, and knows that your ass is mine no matter what she does with it.”

“Aye aye captain!”

“Right, g’night boo. I’ll kiss the kids for you.”  
…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The crack I make is very potent. Found out I also wrote a part 5. Past me of three years ago, what the glob did you think you were doing?

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had more than I thought of this types up. I'll post what I have, but it will descend into outlines at some point. However, I've had enough people love this series, that I didn't want to leave ya'll hanging.


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